The Thoughts Behind My Silence…

Usually I spill my heart out in my emails, and leave only the well thought out actionable posts for my blog. Today, in my felt need to break my silence, I’d like to share publicly my recent email:

Title: I Don’t Like This…

This letter could go a number of different directions – there are many things I could say I don’t like right now. Especially considering all the things that have been running throughout the news.

About that… There’s definitely a fire brewing in my belly and a build up of emotions that I wish I could just rid myself of. I have a long history of being good at shutting down. I hide. I get quiet. I distract myself. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I’ve worked too hard to learn how to open up, to be more brave, to share myself. So I’m starting to feel this huge build up, feeling the need to say or act or DO something.

On the other hand, I don’t want my business to be a place for political discussions. What I’m here to do reaches far wider than any one group of people with one certain belief. The specific details behind our beliefs or passions are not what unifies us here in this space, it’s the fact that we’re all human. That’s what I want to focus on when sharing through these emails or on my blog or on social media.

So yeah… no, I’m not here to complain about what’s happening out there. And I hope my lack of commentary or leadership in the online world regarding political or worldly news doesn’t come off as not caring, because I do – deeply.

I don’t consider myself a leader, or an activist, or even someone who’s good with words. I consider myself a gatherer and a lover. I love you, no matter what you believe, or do, or say (or don’t). And I do want my work to make an impact on the world, but perhaps not in such an outwardly way as others do. I want to guide people to love themselves, in turn loving more of each other. I want to inspire stronger communities. I want to gather people together. And THAT is what I want to be talking about.

But right now I feel lost, and silenced. I feel backed up. It’s like the way I get stuck in my art journal (especially my more diary-like ones) where I hold myself back from jumping in with what I’m passionate or inspired about now, because I want to go back and record what it was that happened before that. But of course the passion there has already moved on, which throws me into a cycle of never fully being in the moment, in the passion.

What I’m trying to say, is that I feel pressure on myself to talk about creativity, and about my upcoming class Creative Soul Roots because I committed to teaching it again this spring. (And I am still excited to do so – we start Feb 27th!) At the same time, I’m inspired and feel moved to finally put into motion my bigger picture project that I’ve been brewing on for over two years now – a private community. And at the same, same time… I also feel immobilized by my overwhelming emotions regarding all that is happening around me.

I’m a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts and emotions. As I’m sure many of us, especially in the United States, are right now.

I began this letter as a way to communicate through my silence. I began it as a way to fight back the urge to shut down. I began it as a way to let you know my expectations for my communication with you in these next few months. But in my struggle to clearly articulate what is going on in my head, I can see now that nothing is certain. And that’s okay.

I do still plan on teaching Roots next month, that won’t change. But this will probably be the last time I offer it in the beginning of the year. I realize now that this time calls for more flow and spontaneity from me, as I’m not liking the forced start for action so early on.

But as far as my blog or emails or other communication goes… I don’t know. I’m struggling between wanting to shout out so many things and being quiet. I have so much to say, but too little words. I’m struggling between wanting to DO so much, but not knowing what to do or how to do it.

…I suppose that means it’s a good time for art making.

For now, I will remain in my quietness. For now, I will spill my emotions into my journal. For now, I will practice staying open in the safeness of my home and trusted circles. For now, I will start small with the intention to keep growing.

After all, BIG change is possible with small steps – (as I was so timely reminded of by my dear friend Mindy Tsonas, see below.)

With all my love,

P.S. In the midst of writing and re-writing this email, Mindy reached out with her offering of a week long adventure in art & love as activism – Tiny Revolutions. Timing could not have been better. Starting Feb 12th, she says we’ll write, paint, tell stories and get messy, all for the purpose of positive change. We will play in the questions of who we are to get clear on our most powerful mission for change, in our own life and out in the world. Sounds exactly what I’m needing right now. What’s even more amazing, is that in the interest of opening up this experience to all who wish to join, there’s three equally valuable ways to participate: {$5} You Belong Scholarship, {$19} Fire Starter, and {$39} Love Maker. So if you’re feeling like me, a little lost in what to do, I hope you join us for this week of play and exploration for clarity to take action, no matter how large or small. Find out more HERE.

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  1. Hi Kristal, Thank you for letting us know about what is happening with you. It must be hard to share your feelings publicly, especially when our country is going through such turmoil and there are such great and vocal differences of opinion. A lot of us feel a need to shut down and encouraging us to find solace in our art journals is such a positive act. I feel my desire to shut down is also about this time of year. For me, this is the time to pull my head into my shell and hibernate a bit from the world. And I have never needed it more than this year. I am looking forward to Roots and by that time will be refreshed and ready to take flight into the world again. xo p.

    • Thank you Patricia. I feel that too, I always need some downtime at the end of the year and to warm up to the new year. With the agitated energy surrounding it this year, just amplifies the need to be still and work through it all. Roots will be a welcomed transition for sure!

  2. Thanks for sharing, Kristal. I am in the same boat–I have an online business and I want to rage and storm and carry on about all of my feelings. But I have to keep my business separate from my politics. So I will do business, I will rage and storm on my personal FB page, and I will throw myself into art. It sucks that we have to keep these things separate, but we must love one another and be kind. And it would not be kind of us to slam the other side, would it? I have followers too and I want them to feel safe with me, however they voted. :)

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